For Sale: Weapon Massively Deconstructed $20 – Clock still works

So I have this black digital alarm clock. Sort of.

It used to be an alarm clock back when my husband brought it home as a prize from some raffle they had at his job – you’d think he’d just won the lottery. I wanted the spa day complete with hot stone massage, but the POS who sat in the cubicle across from him won it instead. The same creep who had the audacity to ask if I was pregnant, all because My Husband The Idiot drove to work with the diaper bag still in his backseat, while my red leather Gucci pocket book hitched a ride inside.

I had PMS and dead bodies have less bloating than I do on the rag. He was trapped “in meetings all day” and I was out of tampons. And chocolate. And wine.

I had to haul all four kids with me while wearing my favorite baggy gray yoga pants that have the grape jelly stain on the upper left thigh because my jeans wouldn’t zip up over my distended belly, and my ancient USC Delta Gamma T-shirt  – the only shirt in my wardrobe that had been spit-up upon by my three month old colicky boy less than five times.

I was out of laundry detergent too.

So maybe I looked like a fat cow that day. Still, you don’t ever hint a woman looks like she’s pregnant unless she’s just told you she’s gone into labor.

Then he won my spa day while we received The Ambient Alarm Arouser.

No, it is NOT A SEX TOY – I thought that at first too when my husband told me what he’d won.

It claimed to have “ten settings of ambient sounds to gently arouse you from your sleep.” Instead, it had recordings of birds cawing – not chirping – but cawing, like the damn crows that roost here in spring and wake us up at 5:45 every morning. Then there was the storm setting with thunder, which might not have been so bad IF THERE WAS A VOLUME BUTTON TO CONTROL IT.

My husband insisted on using it to wake him up in the mornings – as proud of this alarm clock as Ralphie’s dad was of his leg lamp in A Christmas Story – even though half the time it woke up two of our children from another part of the house.

It is amazingly durable and punched a hole in my bedroom wall when I missed my husband’s head, after it woke up the baby whom I’d been up with all night. When he left for work, I handed it to my older three children and gave them my husband’s tools. The hammer only partially dented the top and there’s a hairline fracture in the display.

The clock part works, except for the last digital number, which is always an 8. The other numbers still display fine.

I don’t think I put it back together correctly because I still have screws leftover from when I finally opened the thing and repeatedly stabbed the speakers and any other part that threatened to make noise. I’ll include the screws too.

I’m selling it for $20, because it does make a great toy for kids to beat on, given the hard outer shell. If you have better aim than I do, it would also be a great hidden weapon to throw at a burglar – check out what it did to my wall:

Imagine the hole is a burglar's head.

I just need to sell the clock before my husband tries to get it repaired this weekend.

  • Location: just north of downtown

A Red Dress Club writing prompt

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is a work of fiction.

The prompt is based on one from Absolute Write.

We want you to imagine you’ve just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child – you get the picture. You’re mad. It’s time for revenge.

What would you sell?

Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig’s List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.

Word limit is 600.

Disclaimer: No drywall was harmed for the posting of this blog.

Comments and feedback are greatly appreciated.

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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31 Responses to For Sale: Weapon Massively Deconstructed $20 – Clock still works

  1. Jessica Anne says:

    Haha! Why did that tool even want the spa day? Great idea letting the kids damage it. Entertain the kids, get rid of some junk, win, win.

  2. Samantha says:

    That is an impressive hole in the wall.

  3. Leighann says:

    Lol my hubs owns an alarm clock I would like to smash!! It has no volume control and blasts static every morning. He’s oddly attached to it so he won’t throw it out.
    Loved this!! Great job!!

  4. mypajamadays says:

    This was hilarious! Ok fiction or non-fiction? Either way I chuckled at the sex toy innuendo. ( I always thought the Magic Bullet was too until my friend told me it was a hand mixer.)

  5. Elena Aitken says:

    Funny stuff.
    You nailed the character’s voice. (I’m assuming this is fiction)
    Good work. And good job getting some fiction writing in too. 🙂

  6. Carrie says:

    Now that is a good way to keep kids entertained! Hope you find a “buyer” 😉

    Visiting from RDC

  7. {waggling eyebrows} I’m not so sure I believe this is fiction, coming from you! Love the hole in the wall BTW…how did that “really” happen? Hmmm?

    • Hehheh.. The down and dirty truth? Google image search. 🙂

      It was inspired from certain life things – like my husband taking vital items to work in his car or lack of a clean shirt without baby spit up.

      Totally fiction though.

      The thought of four kids…

      Thanks for reading!

  8. I laughed all over the place. Great story!!

    –The Drama Mama

  9. Mandyland says:

    You have to tell me before I Google the clock…fiction or non?

    Either way, this was hilarious. LOVED it.

    • LOL – Total fiction, inspired by similar but unrelated moments. I came up with the title first (which is odd because in nonfiction, that’s almost always last) and I completely made up the clock’s name in that lovely in-the-writing-zone-and-things-just-pop phase.

      I think I miss writing fiction. 🙂

      Glad I made you laugh. You never can tell what people will love or if it’s all in your own head.

  10. J.R. Reed says:

    Can I PLEASE have this? My daughter sleeps trough her alarm on a daily basis, yet I hear it loud and clear from my bedroom which is directly below hers. I was thinking about getting a foghorn, but am not sure the landlord would let me mount it. Plus it would probably piss off the neighbors.

  11. Jack says:

    A U.S.C. DG? I think I knew a few girls in the house and they all had pretty good arms on them. 😉

    Good story, I liked it.

  12. Angel says:

    I think what makes this better for me is my mom owns a clock that has those sounds like that. It also has a waterfall picture on the front that ‘moves’ when you use the sounds.. I hate that clock.. seriously

  13. Jessica says:

    Hilarious, love the bloating reference. The fact that most of us can’t tell if this is fiction or non means you did an amazing job capturing your character.

  14. Hope you find a buyer, because that is hilarious. Sounds like a sex toy to me too!

  15. Amy says:

    I love that I had no idea if this was fiction or not until you said so. Great job! My college roommate seriously had an alarm clock similar to this. Yeah, I hated her.

  16. Amy says:

    So funny!! I love the picture at the end even if it wasn’t really the result of you aiming for your husbands head!

  17. Sara says:

    Oh how Ralphie’s dad loved that lamp…

    And the clock name totally made it sound like a sex toy. Do they have sex toys with ambient sound? That’s a million dollar idea 🙂

  18. Mrs. Jen B says:

    I love that the last number is always an 8, and the accompanying picture which I’m supposed to imagine as a burglar’s head. Very funny stuff!

  19. Holy Cow! That’s a big hole! lol.

  20. Nichole says:

    This is beyond funny.
    I am so grateful that my husband wakes up without an alarm clock (I know! Who does that?), so I haven’t had to hear an alarm in years.
    Alarm clocks are pure evil.

  21. Valerie says:

    This is absolutely hilarious!! Great job!
    The clock is a steal at $20-and your story is priceless!!

  22. Hahahaha!! “Still, you don’t ever hint a woman looks like she’s pregnant unless she’s just told you she’s gone into labor.” <– Best advice EVER!

    God, but I hate alarm clocks. Of any kind.

  23. CDG says:

    I love the description of heading to the husband’s office in search of the purse. In my case, it’s going to a remodel site or a construction site. Sigh…

    And man, I hate alarm clocks!

  24. Imagine the hole is the burglar’s head. Giggle.

  25. Nancy C says:

    Very funny. And I’ve worn that outfit. Ugh. I think I’m wearing it now. Sigh.

  26. Frelle says:

    love your description of having to get all the kids ready and out of the house and how the character looked because the jeans wouldnt fit. YES. So been there!

  27. My favorite line ever..

    “Still, you don’t ever hint a woman looks like she’s pregnant unless she’s just told you she’s gone into labor.”

    I could not stop laughing!!!

    However, the waking of a baby who has just gone down and you’ve been up all night with is NO laughing matter! UGH! If I had only had the arousing alarm clock by my side!!!

    GREAT post!

  28. Very funny and I think every woman can relate!

  29. Brandon says:

    LOL! Alarms are truly evil creatures… Thanks for letting me preview. 🙂

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