Evil Temptress

Fuck you.

That’s right, I said it. FUCK YOU.

Dressed happy and cheery with your pretty pink coat and sprinkled jewelry, showing off your flawless curve, taunting everyone who lacks a perfect form.

An evil temptress – teasing everyone strolling by, screaming “Look at me! Yeah baby, stare. You know you want me – you can’t resist me.”

Queen of all -overflowing with superiority, flaunting your wares, confident none of your peers will outshine your bedecked body and steal your glory.

Cunning huntress – seducing all into your web, allowing no escape – your prey helpless once ensnared.

Greedy Goddess – striking the strong and willful to their knees with only a glance, converting those who once renounced you.

Sneaky siren -singing your magical scent to travelers unlucky enough to cross your path – luring them with the sweet call none can resist.

You pulled me in with a glimpse, my eyes only for you. You captured me in your net, holding me prisoner.  You wielded your power, demanding my worship. You tantalized me with your scent, shredding my resolve to dust.

You forced me to want you, to desire you. My mind screamed to flee, predicting the path of destruction to follow. I ignored it, deaf to its cries, already lost under your spell.

I claimed you for my own, convinced with you inside me, I would be happy and satiated.

Fuck you.

I’m still hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Red Dress Club writing prompt

The Red Dress Club – This week’s prompt is simple: write a piece, fiction or non-fiction, inspired by the delicious shot.

I labeled this fiction. Now if it was a “hot now” Krispy Kreme doughnut, it would be nonfiction. 🙂

Please leave constructive criticism. I know this is an atypical piece, but I still crave feedback. Did I do a good job avoiding passive voice? Did I show, not tell? Anything you would change.

Sorry for the cursing. It isn’t my typical “voice, but I explain why here if interested. The doughnut totally deserved it.

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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21 Responses to Evil Temptress

  1. Lizz says:

    I read it and totally got where you were going with it. Got to the photo at the bottom and *almost* missed the “I’m still hungry” line! Then a guffawed. Seriously. Max asked if I was OK! He was worried! It totally changed the entire story for me, and I love that!
    It felt a little list-y to me, like grocery list, not “ways you’re a bitchy snack food” list, if that makes sense AT ALL. I think it’s the hyphens. Maybe if they were built into sentences instead, list the sentences, but within each line item, it might strengthen it a bit. (Again, if that makes sense! LOL)
    But I loved it, even with the swearing; one poor little doughnut can set this off in you, I’d hate to confront you with tiramisu or something! 🙂

  2. CDG says:

    This kind of hovers between poetry and prose, which is a tense place to be–kind of a love-hate song to the doughnut.

    Two places broke the rhythm for me.
    -“Dressed happy and cheery” I think works better, given the structure you slip into later, as just “Happy and cheery”
    -similarly, ditch the “an” before Evil Temptress

    I like the alliteration, too. “sneaky siren, “greedy goddess.”

  3. HA! The last line is KILLER. Such a great set-up that I wish I didn’t know the punchline going in. I love how you gave a name to each role that the doughnut plays for you.

    I had to read it a few times to think of something to critique but here’s what I’ve come up with. I think you should lose the third line. You don’t need it. Then just find a better way to segue into evil temptress. I also think you could lose “Queen of all”. It doesn’t strike me as “true” as the others. The piece is a little long so I don’t think you need to replace them to get your point across.

    But all in all, I really love it.

  4. logyexpress says:

    It’s funny because it’s true. Donuts are totally not filling and that sucks. They are kind of a dumb food–not really a great breakfast (because they are not filling) and not good enough to be dessert (I’d rather have a cupcake or a brownie). They look pretty though.

  5. I love your allocations. ALL of them. Greedy Goddess was probably my favorite of them all, and I absolutely love “I’m still hungry” at the end. I laughed and found myself nodding my head in agreement. That’s all I got. I really enjoyed this.

  6. Ironic Mom says:

    Love it. Love the full circle ending, the anxst in the F-Us.

    I like the short paragraphs. My only suggestion concerns this sentence: “I claimed you for my own, convinced with you inside me, I would be happy and satiated.”

    I think you could get rid of the “happy” (satiated is more sensual and is enough) and perhaps change “I would” to the contraction “I’d”.

    Pretty small suggestions, eh?

    Leanne

  7. Kir says:

    so glad you decided to use this piece.
    I was telling John about it, how good and angry it was and then I told him that last line and we both laughed half the way home. It was just the perfect ending.

    I also liked all the names you called that donut, the imagery and explanations of them were what made this piece.

  8. Okay, you got me, Kelly. LOL. Loved the visual punchline as I rolled the screen down! Well done, you.

  9. Jennie B says:

    Loved each description. The donut really is an evil temptress. But that last line was really the perfect ending (the icing on the donut?). Great!

  10. Roxanne says:

    This made me, literally, laugh out loud when I got to the end.

  11. Jessica says:

    Dude, now I really want a freaking donut. So cruel. And I know I would still be hungry after.

  12. Jessica says:

    I think you did a great job at avoiding passive voice. Really liked this type of piece from you and I could feel your anger at that donut. I agree with a few others, I think that third sentence could come out or changed to sound a bit more “mocking” if that makes any sense. Right now it is a little too cheery and takes away from the rest of the piece. Overall really, really good.

  13. Carri says:

    HAHAHA OK, I so did not expect that picture!!! Damn you! Now I’m hungry for a donut!

  14. Diana says:

    Loved this piece – not crazy about the swearing, but then that’s me. I disagree with the others about the 3rd line. With a tiny change or two, it could still add. Maybe better…”So cheery, with your pretty pink coat…” instead of ‘dressed’ which makes the line a little clunkier, I think. And the ‘so’ might get at the snarkiness better? You’re the first one I’ve read today that doesn’t at least touch on an ED – though maybe it’s there somewhere. :>)

  15. Mandyland says:

    Hot damn!

    Sorry, I’ve got nothing that hasn’t already been covered in the comments.

    But I LOVE what you did here.

  16. Elaine says:

    Now I really want a donut, like CRAZY bad!!! Love this! 😀

  17. This was fun! The kicker made me laugh.

    My take on the third line which others have mentioned is it actually works if you take out “Dressed.” And I would take out “An” before Evil Temptress so it matches with the rest of the beginning lines starting with two words.

    The paragraph that starts “You pulled me in”: each sentence has the same structure, which I know might’ve been intentional. I’d like to see variation in there, as you do with the next paragraph.

    Overall, I love that you tried something different and that you’re working on different parts of the craft.

    Still giggling over the last line..

  18. Kelly says:

    Hell, yes!

    Love your version of this prompt!

    And the last line? So F-ing true!

  19. Jackie says:

    And because I’m so far behind in reading & commenting everyone has given a lot of great concrit!

    I do like the way you wrote it and I think that the cursing added to it without being offensive.

  20. Trish says:

    Lol! You totally had me! Nice one.

Comments are closed.