Intruder

“Christopher David, you get back here right this minute!” Amanda shouted down the empty corridor at the chubby toddler who took off at top speed the second she had set him down. His blond curls shook with delight as he squealed at his favorite game. Afraid of disturbing the residents and getting kicked out, she switched tactics. “Please come back to Mommy and we’ll go eat ice cream.”

Her two year old paused in his dash, the words grabbing his attention, and looked at her. “Yummy!”

She nodded. “That’s right! Yummy! Come to Mommy and we’ll get yummy ice cream. Right after we go see Auntie Maddie.” Assuming she wasn’t in jail for strangling her supposed best friend for putting her into this position.

To her relief, Christopher changed directions, charging back at full throttle.

She hurried, inserting her spare key into the double locks, hearing the telltale click just before he barreled into her legs, her son nearly toppling her in the process. She scooped him into her arms before he could escape again, and pushed open the door, the wood smooth under her fingertips.

The apartment was perfect picture – cold and immaculate – everything in its assigned place. She used her heel to kick the door closed behind her, her son wiggling to get lose, and set him down.

“Chris, go get your toys.”

He raced off to only area that didn’t fit with the rest of the décor, a corner tucked behind the couch with a tiny chair, books, and whatever toys Madison had bought since the last visit.

Amanda fled to the main bedroom, knowing she only had about ten minutes before the glass vases tempted Christopher away from the toys.

The moment she walked into Madison’s room she knew something was wrong.

The light was on, curtains drawn. The bed wasn’t made, sheets tangled and haphazard. A small black carry-on suitcase rested at the foot of it, but she knew Madison’s was red.

Then she heard it. Water running. In the bathroom.

Amanda grabbed the fireplace poker and wielded it like a club, trying to ignore the clichéd classic scary movie scene she now performed.

“I don’t have time for this,” she thought as she tiptoed to the closed door, her free hand outstretched to open it.

Steam hit her as the door cracked, the sound of the shower masking the tiny creak.

One glimpse of the silhouette behind the steamed door and her stomach gave a little twist.

She knew those arms and legs made powerful from years of gymnastics. She knew the curved butt which always made her want to pull off his jeans. Hell, even his damn feet were somehow sexy just walking barefoot around the apartment.

For a year he’d been untouchable, claimed by Madison.

Not anymore.

This time she allowed the desire to fill her without the guilt, the urge to strip naked and wrap around him almost making her forget.

Almost.

She needed a baby-sitter to end the two year, eight month dry spell.

She needed to be touched by something other than plump fingers coated in drooled blueberries and graham crackers.

The water shut off and she stood a few seconds too long, lost in her fantasy. The shower door opened and he stepped out. The first full view of what the steam had cloaked stole her breath.

Afraid to move or look at his face, Amanda froze, focusing on the droplets of water tracing the grooves of his abdomen.

She knew the second Danny saw her.

“Well this is fucking awkward. Madison didn’t tell me you’d be stopping by.”

Heat flooded her cheeks as she scrambled for words. Madison was supposed to call and break up with you!

Something tickled her legs and horror joined the flames as a chubby finger rose and pointed directly at Danny’s crotch.

“Penis!”

* * *

A Red Dress Club writing prompt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s get all steamy up in here and write about sex.

But you know us. There’s a twist.

You can’t write about the act. I don’t want to read about any heaving bosoms or girded manhood (please tell me someone else giggled besides me).

There are so many other possibilities. And I hope you have fun finding them.

* * *

I tried something a bit different. Did it work?

For those of you who didn’t recognize her full name, Madison is Mav. This takes place once Mav finally makes the phone calls John demanded to Amanda and Danny.

Several people voiced confusion and I realized I hadn’t posted the chapters highlighting why Amanda would be at Mav’s apartment because they weren’t to the writing prompts. So if you want clarification or enjoy Mav and John, GO HERE to read what you’ve missed.

Concrit is welcomed as always.

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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28 Responses to Intruder

  1. angela says:

    I love the whole Mav & John storyline, and I am interested to see where it goes now that we’re seeing what she’s left behind.

    In this particular piece, I feel like the part with Amanda and Chris is the strongest; you really capture the precarious balance of life with a toddler, trying to always stay one step ahead of them.

    And then they inevitably butt in yelling “penis” 🙂

    • What can I say – I know the mind of a toddler very well, and as Mav revealed her friend happens to have a two year old… it just seemed like a good time to toss in something different in this story.

      It also gave me a good idea what will happen next…

      I heard this was confusing for some and realized I hadn’t posted everything I’d written (without prompts) since The Appointment, so I did so.

      Thanks for commenting!

      It might be the last taste of them for a while.

  2. Carrie says:

    Hmmm…so this is the friend Mav called and SHE has the hots for her boyfriend…interesting dynamic you’ve got started here

  3. Pingback: Mav and John – What You’ve Missed | Writing with Chaos

  4. Well done – what a tangled web you weave. Single mom having the hots for her best friend’s boyfriend is believable. I especially love how you use a toddler’s honesty to break the sexual tension. I’ll have to go back and read the chapters leading right up to this!

    • I admit, I pulled a bit of inspiration. My son loves nothing more than to point out when getting changed for the pool, “Mommy and sister don’t have a penis.”

      At least he has his facts straight. Both him and Christopher. Imagine if he’d yelled “bagina!” instead… Hmm…

  5. Frelle says:

    YAY!!!!

    I get it now.

    I love the tension and the longing and the hilarity you presented with this piece, and Im so glad to read more of the backstory to flesh this out a little! 🙂

  6. I love the line about needing a babysitter to end the dry spell. And I love her thinking ‘i don’t have time for this’ when she is seeking out the intruder. As a mom, no matter what i am doing, on some level I’m thinking that same thought. I was surprised that her first thought on seeing him in the shower wasn’t “Oh. I guess they didn’t break up.” but maybe that’s clarified in the scenes leading up to this.

    • Yes, I can relate to the mom “no time” feeling quite well.

      My guess is she was so shocked and distracted by his body she forgot to ask the important question of “What are you doing here?”

      Thank you for the feedback.

  7. Shell says:

    Cracked up at the end- leave it to a toddler!

  8. I jumped in, not knowing any back story or whether this was fiction/non-fiction and really enjoyed it. I loved not knowing whose kid the toddler was, whose apartment they were in, what was going on. But the description of her in the bathroom watching the silhouette? Fantastic.
    Great job – came from TRDC linkup.

  9. Sara says:

    I love a story that makes me laugh. The ending of this story was wonderful and your description of Christopher is perfect. I could seeing him, with all little boy energy.

    At the same time you captured the sexual tension in this story and I loved the dialogue between Mav and John…the awkwardness, along with the desire.

    Regarding constructive feedback, I felt the first paragraph dragged just a bit, compared to pace of the rest of the story. I think it’s just a matter taking out a few words, so we get her second comment more quickly.

    I want to stress, however, that this is a minor suggestion because this story was very well done. I enjoyed reading it:~)

  10. Nancy C says:

    God, that ending was funny. We’re all about naming body parts around these parts.

    As for the shower. Yeah. Mental pictures. Steamy mental pictures.

    I, too, really like seeing what Mav left behind. Intriguing.

  11. Roxanne says:

    I think you did a great job painting the picture for the reader, feeling Amanda’s desire (believe me, I feel it!) after such a long dry spell. And then ending it in humor with the little one was just perfect. I liked this piece.

  12. Jennifer says:

    I love that the first part of this is her struggling with Christopher, trying to wrangle the chaos that is 2 year-olds and that the very same energy in the beginning ends up saving the day, or ruining it depending on what one is hoping for Amanda in that moment!

    This was both sexy, unnerving and laced with humor.

  13. Love the juxtaposition of the mommy/kid talk & thoughts with the steamy shower glimpses! I, too, read without knowing the background, but will have to sneak back later to read what I’ve missed. Even without knowing the history behind the characters I still thought you did a fantastic job of capturing the sex w/o the SEX. especially w/ the kiddo’s exclamation at the end—so typical, so real/true! applause!

  14. Galit Breen says:

    Love the tangles and weaves, friend! You captured the moment, pushed the story forward, and made every mom reading say been there {embarrassingly}, done that {repeatedly}.

  15. Elaine says:

    I would have stayed to get a glimpse too. 😉

    Love the descriptions of the toddler mixed with the sexy thoughts. Just great!

  16. Kir says:

    I need a towel too. Whew. And just before I was sure I was going to get a tease with these two, I was overcome with giggles at Chris’s observavtion. I too have taught the boys that word instead of any other goofy ones and god knows they decide to yell at at the most inopportune times. The angst is here and the tease too…good job.

  17. Andrea says:

    I am late in commenting although I read this this AM! I got distracted by my 4yo, so the ending with the lil one had me cracking up. I felt the connection and the heat, and I was enjoying it, definitely, even without the history (which I have not yet read). I used it as a stand alone piece and really liked it.

    A few stand-out lines for me:

    – trying to ignore the clichéd classic scary movie scene she now performed. (LOVED THIS)

    – the urge to strip naked and wrap around him almost making her forget. (Completely hot!)

    – She needed to be touched by something other than plump fingers coated in drooled blueberries and graham crackers. (Even as a mom with a husband, which I assume she is not, I think I know this all too well. Most of us do, which is why it was so poignant to me. Excellent!) I’ll be reading up on them later!

  18. Tina says:

    When Danny said “This is fucking awkward”, I laughed. I don’t know why–maybe I was able to put myself in his shoes. Er, feet. You know what I mean!

  19. Renee says:

    Goodgoodgood.

    I’m deciding who I trust least. Amanda or Danny.

  20. Jennie says:

    Leave it to kids to always ruin the moment. 😉 Great piece! Very visual, and I could feel what she felt. Good job!

  21. This line did it for me, pushed ME over the edge: Afraid to move or look at his face, Amanda froze, focusing on the droplets of water tracing the grooves of his abdomen.

    You created another sympathetic character, or 2 here. You gave us heat, the humor worked and of course, created another story line for your readers. Well done.

    Providing the missing story was my only criticism, so thank you for doing that.

  22. CDG says:

    Bless you for the giggle at the end.

    And the visual of a nice ass in a steamy shower door. Yum.

    It’s good to see what’s going on away from Mav and John and all the hidden-away-together drama. Though I can’t imagine this little lust triangle is going anywhere good…

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